Wednesday, January 9, 2013

This is Hilarious

That's what the kid  behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.  
I dug into my  pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be  a Jolly Rancher.

Having already  handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the
truck to grab  some change when the kid with the  Elmo hairdo said the hardest
thing anyone has ever said to  me. He  said,
"It's OK.  I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and  then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me .   "Only $4.68 " he said  cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60  yet?    A  mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the  truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?    As  I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil .    Old? Me?

I'll  show him, I thought.   I  opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he  was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something  and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be  that easily distracted!    What am I  now?     A  toddler?

"Dude!  Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter  disdain at the keys.   I  began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving  keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could  happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back  to the truck.
I slipped the key into  the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.    What now?
I checked  my keys and tried another.   Still  nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple  beads hanging from my rear  view mirror.
I had no purple  beads hanging from my rear  view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into  focus:
The car seat in the  back seat.    Happy Meal toys spread  all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the  dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo  biloba , I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments  later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be  leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the  bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached  to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck  around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final  time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could  think was, "What is  the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I  leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was  ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight  home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no  clue.    I  walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on  my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a  bag.   His  mother explained,  
"I  think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink  from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind  words:
"It's OK.  My grandfather does stuff like this all the  time."

All of this is to explain  how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss , I was racing some punk  kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the  officer, I'm not too  old to be driving this  fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the  hall.
I handed her a bag of  cold food and a $300 speeding  ticket.
I promptly sat in my  rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey .

The good news was that I  had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other  "seniors" on your list (so they  can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us  who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet  with chocolate !!!!!